“Honor your father and your mother” is one of the most recognizable of the Ten Commandments – simple enough for a child to memorize, yet its sentiment sticks with many Jews far more into adulthood.
Kibud av v’em, the Jewish obligation to honor one’s parents, doesn’t end when childhood does. It follows families as they make some of life’s most difficult decisions: how to care for a parent who is aging.
Rabbi Jacob Herber of Congregation Beth El expands on what honoring a parent requires, per Exodus 20:12 and Deuteronomy 5:16. Feeding them, providing for them, and helping them get around are all core examples.
“As Jews, we now face many situations that the Torah and Talmud never anticipated,” Herber says – dementia, nursing facilities, life support, a parent who can no longer communicate. “We should always try to provide our parents with dignity and care. But each situation should be taken into consideration.”
Herber is careful to note that kibud av v’em plays only a small role in actual life-or-death medical decisions. The more central Jewish values at play, he says, are the obligation to save lives, to prevent suffering, and to honor a parent’s own wishes. When congregants come to him wrestling with these decisions, he starts by listening.
“I like to remind my congregants to ask themselves: What would my mother or father want? What is the doctor saying they will gain from this treatment? Will this allow my parent to live comfortably and have quality of life? What can my family do to take care of my parent?”
Elder law attorney Scott Alperin equates honoring one’s parent to respecting them. “It involves both a spiritual obligation to dignify them because they are responsible for giving you life, but also reflects a responsibility to respect them because your parents play an essential role in guiding you to achieve your lot in life.”
At his practice, Alperin Law, he works with families navigating long-term care and end-of-life planning on a regular basis, and the principle of honoring one’s parents shows up in nearly every case that crosses his desk. The hardest conversations often involve a parent who wants to stay independent even as it becomes less safe to do so.
“Mom and dad may wish to remain in the residence they have called home for several decades for as long as possible,” he says, “but there are complicating considerations as the parents decline and confront mobility limitations, cognitive impairment, or the need for assistance with their activities of daily living.”
One of the most difficult scenarios he sees is a parent who is no longer safe to drive but refuses to give up their license. “We all take for granted our freedom of movement and the ability to drive where we need to go, and that is one of the most heartbreaking conversations to have with a parent who is faced with permanently losing their independence.”
This is why Alperin encourages families to plan ahead – executing a general durable power of attorney and a healthcare power of attorney while a parent is still able to, so that a trusted agent can step in without the expense and emotional toll of a guardianship proceeding. That said, even with the right documents in place, families still have to reckon with a deeper question.
“The biggest misconception is the recognition that what the child perceives as being in the best interest of the parent does not always equate to what the parent desires,” Alperin says. “Many children erroneously assume that because their parents are old and frail, what the children want is best for their parents. Often that is not the case.”
Rabbi Levi Brashevitzky of Chabad stresses that the obligation doesn’t end when a parent can no longer reciprocate. “Not only does kibud av v’em apply then,” he says, “Torah teaches that it applies after their passing too.”
His advice to families navigating the hardest calls is less about legal mechanics and more about posture. “Always approach with pledging the fifth of the Ten Commandments,” he says. “Reflect on the partnership they have with God in your creation. Remember your children learn most by what you do and how you handle situations, more than what you tell them and or demand of them.”
Through the legal framework and religious grounding, a common thread emerges: honoring a parent isn’t about doing everything they ask or protecting them from every risk. It’s about taking their wishes seriously while maintaining a mindset that values both practical and the spiritual perspectives of the law. Most importantly, it’s knowing that how a family navigates these moments matters just as much as what they decide.
Honoring one’s father and mother
